Lately I have encountered clients who come to me because of a narcissistic parent, spouse, or boss, and I have discovered upon exploration that the problem individual in the client's life may not be primarily narcissistic. I have spoken of this a bit before in my blog on “Narcissism as a Scale of Behavior.” If you are particularly interested in this aspect of narcissism, perhaps you may want to read that blog as well.
When two or more medical or mental health issues exist at the same time in a single individual, we call that “co-morbidity.” Not a lovely term, but I didn't invent it. As it turns out, narcissism can be a co-morbid condition with several other diagnoses. Recently, a new client was telling me about her narcissistic mother. The mother is morbidly obese, moderately agoraphobic and pays almost no attention to my client and never has. She lacks friends or social connections, and even though she spent her career as a primary school teacher, doesn't seem to like children and found herself frequently “in trouble” at work. Upon further questioning, I find that the mother doesn't pick up on social cues which can attribute to her lack of friends and outside connections. Mom, in this case, exhibits classic symptoms of Asperger's Syndrome, a type of autism. Because of the lack of ability to read other people and truly connect with them, they appear quite narcissistic. But it's not narcissism in the classic sense. I have an acquaintance who has Asperger's. He, unlike true narcissists, has lots of empathy. It just takes him longer to recognize someone else's empathic needs. Everything gets funneled through his own lens. This can be very frustrating and certainly appears self-involved. But when confronted with his behavior, he can and will make adjustments.
Another co-morbid state with narcissism can be protracted grief. After a major loss, it is natural and normal to go through a grief process. This can last up to a year but is often less time. During primary grief, a person can feel very wrapped up in their own feelings and not take others into account as they once did. They can lack interest in the outside world or in other people. Rarely do we experience these people as narcissistic, because we know that grief can take its time and its toll on the bereft. Perhaps we too have experienced grief and know what it's like to get lost in it temporarily.
When someone's grief is protracted or goes on longer than what is normally expected (over 12 months in adults), we call this Persistent Protracted Bereavement Disorder. This is characterized by preoccupation with the death, the deceased or the circumstances of the death. It can also be characterized by avoidance of anything or anyone who reminds them of the loss. A client of mine was born a twin. She lost her twin sister a few months after birth to SIDS (Sudden Infant Death Syndrome). Her mother went into a protracted bereavement state that included massive amounts of self-blame. She also fell into a deep depression. My client never felt connected to her mom who wasn't able to securely attach to her living child due to the grief. She had an experience growing up similar to someone growing up with
